the first time i had sex, it was in the backseat of her mom's infinity SUV parked somewhere near woodland hills on Mulholland Drive. the car was parked on an uphill slope, which in hindsight means i could have used gravity as leverage, but these are things you don't think about when you're having sex for the first time. the only thing i remember was that she seemed to enjoy it a lot more than i did, but after having watched so many movies where the virgin blows his load before anything good can happen, i was just happy for being able to last longer than ten minutes. small victories is what life is about. whatever liquid that wasn't mine, we smeared all over the leather like it was Armor-All.
the second girl i ever had sex with, she accused me of impregnating her with my seed, then disappeared off the face of the earth. i'm still unsure whether one had anything to do with the other, or if her accusation carried any verity. but she's gone now, so it matters little. when i told a friend about the problem, he connivingly suggested i threaten to report her for statutory rape. it's good to know i have smart people in my corner. and if a twenty-three year old grad student shows up at my doorstep when i'm forty and demands that i pay for her student loans...well, i'll deal with that problem as it comes. this is assuming i'm done paying for my student loans by the time i'm forty.
(i suppose my obsession with thinking up names for my unborn children goes back to this incident. in all likelihood, she was lying. i mean, why else would she never contact me again? but if she wasn't, it probably means my baby was aborted, which makes me sad. for the record, i would never have taken that Jew's advice and reported her for sexually deviant behavior. never.)
the third girl i ever slept with, my friend and i bet a steak dinner over who could get her into bed first. i think i'm still owed a steak dinner, now that i think about it.
the fourth girl i ever slept with was the first girl i ever fucked, if you get my meaning. i met her at a bus stop in Santa Monica, and she was a pro. she did things most girls would slap you for suggesting, or so i thought at the time. i have since learned most girls will do most things, as long as you buy them dinner first. i'm kidding, i am so kidding.
the fifth girl i had sex with, i had the same boring, two-to-three position sex with only her for almost a year (around here we call that kind of boring sex "lovemaking"). the residual kinkiness from the fourth girl almost made me cheat on her several times. i didn't, though, because in spite of it all, i am a good guy. but wait, define cheating first.
i think i was about twenty at his point in my sexual history. that was the age when i moved outta my dad's house, mainly because i was tired of having sex in cars or hurriedly putting on clothes whenever a parent came home earlier than expected. trust me, there's nothing like rushing downstairs to greet your dad while breathing heavily and smelling like a combination of sex and guilt.
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