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today was the annual Jeopardy! online qualification test. i took the test last year, but seeing as i've yet to be a participant on the show, i'm guessing i didn't do very well. or maybe i did? the selection process after the test is random, so i might have just been unlucky.
the test itself is quite simple. they basically ask you a question and you have fifteen seconds to come up with a response. the test consists of fifty trivia questions, and based on your test results, the show will randomly select you for an in-person interview.
now, i don't know if you've ever watched Jeopardy! around me, but sometimes i kick ass. if there's a sports or a literature category, it's game over. but a lot of times, they ask inane questions about things like opera and modern economics, things of which i'm unfamiliar beyond the very basics. so the test is quite a challenge for me, it really is.
so i cheated. all i had to do was google the question and find the answer within fifteen seconds. i can confidently say i knew the answer to about thirty questions on my own, and i used google for about an additional ten. a few i couldn't find the answers to, probably because my query was too vague, and a few i ran out of time because i kept on making typos in the search. but overall, i think i did pretty well.
my point is, though, that anybody with internet access is smart. google will tell you anything you want to know at the click of a button. twenty years ago, i was amazed by the fact that mario would jump on my tv at the click of a button. it's great how technology has enabled us to become socially secluded geniuses while still being "connected" to everyone. i'm not so sure if this is a good thing.
the first time i had sex, it was in the backseat of her mom's infinity SUV parked somewhere near woodland hills on Mulholland Drive. the car was parked on an uphill slope, which in hindsight means i could have used gravity as leverage, but these are things you don't think about when you're having sex for the first time. the only thing i remember was that she seemed to enjoy it a lot more than i did, but after having watched so many movies where the virgin blows his load before anything good can happen, i was just happy for being able to last longer than ten minutes. small victories is what life is about. whatever liquid that wasn't mine, we smeared all over the leather like it was Armor-All.
the second girl i ever had sex with, she accused me of impregnating her with my seed, then disappeared off the face of the earth. i'm still unsure whether one had anything to do with the other, or if her accusation carried any verity. but she's gone now, so it matters little. when i told a friend about the problem, he connivingly suggested i threaten to report her for statutory rape. it's good to know i have smart people in my corner. and if a twenty-three year old grad student shows up at my doorstep when i'm forty and demands that i pay for her student loans...well, i'll deal with that problem as it comes. this is assuming i'm done paying for my student loans by the time i'm forty.
(i suppose my obsession with thinking up names for my unborn children goes back to this incident. in all likelihood, she was lying. i mean, why else would she never contact me again? but if she wasn't, it probably means my baby was aborted, which makes me sad. for the record, i would never have taken that Jew's advice and reported her for sexually deviant behavior. never.)
the third girl i ever slept with, my friend and i bet a steak dinner over who could get her into bed first. i think i'm still owed a steak dinner, now that i think about it.
the fourth girl i ever slept with was the first girl i ever fucked, if you get my meaning. i met her at a bus stop in Santa Monica, and she was a pro. she did things most girls would slap you for suggesting, or so i thought at the time. i have since learned most girls will do most things, as long as you buy them dinner first. i'm kidding, i am so kidding.
the fifth girl i had sex with, i had the same boring, two-to-three position sex with only her for almost a year (around here we call that kind of boring sex "lovemaking"). the residual kinkiness from the fourth girl almost made me cheat on her several times. i didn't, though, because in spite of it all, i am a good guy. but wait, define cheating first.
i think i was about twenty at his point in my sexual history. that was the age when i moved outta my dad's house, mainly because i was tired of having sex in cars or hurriedly putting on clothes whenever a parent came home earlier than expected. trust me, there's nothing like rushing downstairs to greet your dad while breathing heavily and smelling like a combination of sex and guilt.
"You never know for sure how girls' minds work (do you really think it's a mind in there or just a little buzz like a bee in a glass jar?)..."
